Scary Pete » Ask Pete

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What’s in a name? Apparently some sort of amnesia-causing agent…

9 / May / 2009 Comments Off

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I Saw This Coming…

Hey there. Yes, it has been a very long time since I have responded to questions and comments on this page. Why? Because most of you still have the misinformed notion that I am some sort of psychic. Well, fine then…I may not really be a psychic, but what the heck - I’ll play one on the Intenet. Below are my best responses based on my newfound clairvoyant powers. You asked for it! Enjoy.

Pete, where and how will I die, and at what age? - Natalie B.

Answer: Thanks for the uplifting question, Natalie. I’m really not comfortable treating one’s death the way one would set up a “date”…but if you are, then…Are you busy, say, Tuesday, October 17, 2079? If not, I’ll meet you at the morgue. OK? It’s a date!

Hey Pete, who will win the Stanley Cup? - Alex G.

Answer: Alex, I’m going to go out on a limb and predict two things. First, the team that will win this year (2009) will be the team that scores more goals than the losing team in the deciding final game. Second, psychic or not, I can guarantee it won’t be the Leafs!

Hey Scary, what was my first job? - Eric S.

Answer: I’m guessing it wasn’t an astronaut. Astronauts don’t have time to waste asking internet bloggers pointless questions.

When will my gay teacher stop annoying me and my classmates, Pete? - Ren S. S.

Answer: As soon as you are no longer homophobic, Ren.

Scary Pete, when will I die ? - Kerry I.

Answer: Yet another happy request! Kerry, I predict you will die shortly after your heart stops beating for good.

Whom do I sit by in homeroom, Pete? - Adrienne

Answer: I’m not sure, Adrienne…but if you’re in the same class as “Ren” above, I’m guessing you sit between a gay teacher and a homophobe.

Scary Pete, what color is my shirt? - Yessenia

Answer: Aha! Trick question, Yessenia! Obviously you will have changed shirts by the time I answer this. And if not, then you likely smell aweful…and nobody will care what color your shirt is anyway, since no one will come near you.

Pete, whats how old am I? - Anonymous

Answer: What?!?! “Whats how old am I?” It’s poor grammar, for one thing.

Pete, whats my middle name? - Taya

Answer: Taya, it’s the name that comes between your first and last names - HA! Seriously though, if your last name is “Ribbon”, then I’ll guess your middle name is “Yellow”. You have to be old enough to remember Tony Orlando and Dawn’s song to get that one.

I am I sick, Scary Pete? - Lisa

Answer: Not sure Lisa…but I am I guess you are slightly illiterate.

Scary, can you tell me if am going to get money from hess for my slip and fall that I had in their store. I am I ging to make it in the music business? - Lisa

Answer: Lisa, as for the music business, it’s anybody’s guess. As for the writing business, you are you ging not make it there. By any chance, did you hit your head when you fell? I am I ging just asking.

Pete, do my husband loves me like he say he do? - Lisa

Answer: That’s do all depend, Lisa. I’m do not sure like how he say he do, so I can’t say how he do……Howdeedoodydoo!

Is my husband cheating? Do you know who I am in love with? And what is my real name? - Lisa

Answers: Lisa, I’m hoping you are in love with your husband. If you are not in love with your husband, it wouldn’t be him I would suspect of cheating. Oh…and your real name is “Frank”. Go ahead…use it proudly.

Pete, who am I sitting next to? - Chelsea

Answer: Chelsea, unless the person next to you has explosives strapped to him or her, what does it really matter? If, on the other hand, he or she does have explosives strapped to him or her, then………………………Chelsea?……………………………..Chelsea?!!…………..Never mind.

Email YOUR (preferably non-psychic) questions to: askpete@scarypete.com. Thanks!

6 / February / 2009 Comments Off

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For the last time…

OK…as much as I appreciate the efforts of those of you who have left me questions, this is not a place for “psychic” questions. “Ask Pete” is supposed to be more of a (pointless, and hopefully humourous) advice column…not a psychic hotline. So my final prediction would have to be that I will no longer be entertaining these sorts of questions. That being said, here is the last batch of them. Enjoy.

Pete, do you know my boyfreind’s name? What’s my future with him? - Hasnae

Answer: I’ve had this sort of question before…and I will say again, Hasnae…if YOU don’t even know your own boyfriend’s name, my guess is that you don’t have much of a future together. Sorry.

Hey Pete, I want to see if you know what kind of phone I have. Do you know? - Michael

Answer: I’m sorry I can’t answer your question at the moment…I’m busy texting on my phone, shooting video on my phone, listening to music on my phone, surfing the net on my phone…and driving. BEEP.

Hey Scary, how old am I? - Selena

Answer: Selena, relative to the Universe, you are but a flicker in time…AOUM.

Who is my GF, Pete? - Edwin

Answer: Depends on what GF stands for, Edwin…Good Friend? Girlfriend? Gay Friend? Gaseous Friend? All of the above?

Scary Pete, where do I live? - Jennifer

Answer: I’m guessing somewhere between here and there.

So old am I, Pete? - Chris

Answer: Chris, please see Selena’s answer above…and just replace her name with yours. Funny how deep philosophical insights are so interchangeable. Kind of like a “Life-Coaching Drive-Thru”.

Email YOUR (non-psychic) questions to: askpete@scarypete.com. Thanks!

17 / May / 2008 Comments Off

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The Good, the Bad, and the Badder…

Question: Pete, I usually back my car out of the driveway on Cruise Control. Does that make me lazy?- Sammy D

Answer: Only if you take a nap at the same time.

Question: Hey, Pete…Where do I live? - Scottie

Answer: Scottie, based on your question, I’m guessing a home for people with amnesia.

Question: Hi, Pete…How long am I going to be going out with my boyfriend (R.J.),
and how much money am I going to get for my b-day on January 4?? Love ya!! - Amanda

Answer: Sorry I missed your birthday, Amanda. I’m not sure why people keep asking me questions as though I were psychic. This is supposed to be an advice/opinion column. But I will say this: if your boyfriend is giving you MONEY for your birthday, you might want to end things NOW. He sounds more like a pimp than a boyfriend to me.

Question (At least, I think it’s a question): Scary Pete when am i gonna die am i bieng haunted by who - Angel

Answer: No idea, Angel…but apparently you are being haunted by the ghost of non-existent grammar.

Question: WHO ARE YOUN AND HOW COME I NEVER HEARD OF YOU ARE YOU A GHOST- Angel

Answer: Sorry, Angel…but using all capital letters does not magically turn “YOUN” into a pronoun…or even a word for that matter. And why would being a ghost preclude me from being known? Look at Casper - he’s done pretty well, I would say.

Email YOUR questions to: askpete@scarypete.com

16 / January / 2008 Comments Off

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Miami Ad-Vice…

Pete, help. Why doesn’t grass grow on a playground? Sometimes I like a hairy woman. — Petra

Answer:Petra, it’s true that grass doesn’t grown on some playgrounds. And it’s likely because God simply hates the children who play on those ones. After all, grass doesn’t grow in Hell either. As for your part-time affection for hirsuit ladies, I’m sure there’s a joke about “grass” growing on those “playgrounds”…but I just can’t think of it at the moment.

What’s up pete? So I want to know how long will I be with my boyfriend?????? — Teran

Answer: As for what’s “up”, Teran, please refer to the previous posting for that answer. As for how long you will be with your boyfriend, shouldn’t that be how long will HE be with YOU? Most articles I’ve read say the average is somewhere around 6 inches. But remember, size doesn’t matter…unless you’re having sex with him.

Pete, where are you right now? — Ashley

Answer:Ashley, I’m caught somewhere between a flashback of an old Miami Vice episode and a vision of myself riding a camel through Manhattan. Just the usual.

Pete, what is my brother’s girlfriend’s name?? — Teran

Answer:Let’s just say for your brother’s sake, Teran, I hope it’s not Keith. I’ve never been a huge fan of that name…especially for a girl.

Scary Pete, who will I marry and who will my best friend,Teran, marry????? — Brandi

Answer:Aha, Brandi! Now Teran’s got her friends in on the act. Hmmm…that sounds like the theme to a seedy YouTube video. Anyway, Teran won’t likely get married until she learns to ask questions for herself. Unless of course someones asks HER to marry them…in which case never mind. As for YOUR marrage future, I see a tall,dark, handsome guy with lots of cash and a unit the size of…oh wait, sorry…I was just looking at myself in my full length mirror. Gotta go.

Email YOUR questions to: askpete@scarypete.com. Thanks!

2 / December / 2007 Comments Off

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Word(s) up…

Hey, Scary Pete…waz up? — Jisel

Answer: Hey, Jisel. I’ll interpret your casual vernacular to mean, “what is up?” Well, according to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, “up” is defined as: “(1): in or into a higher position or level; especially : away from the center of the earth (2): from beneath the ground or water to the surface (3): from below the horizon.” Hope that helps.

Pete, i no what my dogs name is, but i want to see if you do! well take a guess. wat do u think it is? — Rachel

Answer: I have to be honest Rachel…I have no idea what your dog’s name is. Although I am glad to hear that YOU do. What you apparently don’t know so much is how to spell. With all due respect, I suggest you refer to the same dictionary cited in the question above. Again, I hope that helps.

What is my middle name, Scary Pete? — Linda

Answer: Thanks for the question, Linda. In general, your middle name is a complete waste of time and effort. It’s a virtually useless word. I mean really, who actually uses their middle name anymore? The only time my middle name ever got any use was when I was just a little Scary Pete, and my mom yelled at me for something. And now that I’m all grown up, I yell at HER instead…although I don’t use her middle name…mainly because I have no idea what it is, and “Mom” usually suffices. Which only goes to prove my point. My advice to you: sell your middle name on eBay, and with the money you make, go buy yourself something frilly.

Scary Pete, what do I have: a ps2,wii,or an x box? — Jose

Answer: Jose, I can’t say for sure which game you actually have. But I can say one thing with certainty: if you own any of the above, one thing you DO have is too much time on your hands. Thanks for writing.

Email YOUR questions to: askpete@scarypete.com

19 / November / 2007 Comments Off

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At the innuENDo the day…

How old am I, Scary Pete? — Tasha

Answer: My dear Tasha, age is but a construct of the mind. You are, after all, only as old as you feel. Mind you, if you feel as though your boobs are sagging to your knees, then I’m guessing you’re pretty old…or at least very well-endowed…in which case please send me a picture.

Scary Pete, what do you like most in a woman? — Candi

Answer: I’ll leave that question to the expert - Uncle Vince. Vince, what do you like most in a woman?
Uncle Vince’s Answer: ME.

Pete, what color shirt does Patti have on? — Leanna

Answer: Hey now, that’s a trick question, Leanna! You know full well that Patti’s not actually wearing a shirt…or anything for that matter…well, OK…at least the “Patti” I’ve created in my mind isn’t wearing anything…well, maybe a teddy…a skimpy black lace teddy…oh boy, I’d better go now!

Email YOUR questions to: askpete@scarypete.com

11 / November / 2007 Comments Off

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Unclear Voyant…

Scary Pete, when will I become a nurse? — Charmin

Answer: Hopefully sooner than I become a doctor.

Pete, what is my boyfriend’s name? How long will I be with him? — Katy

Answer: Katy, if you don’t know your own boyfriend’s name, then my guess is he won’t stick around very long.

Hey Pete, everyone wants to know whose shirts you wear. — Danielle

Answer: Usually my own.

Email YOUR question(s) to: askpete@scarypete.com

6 / November / 2007 Comments Off

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There’s no “I” in biography…oh, wait a minute…

Hey, Pete…Where did you grow up? — Jeremy

Answer: I haven’t yet.

Pete, what made you realize that comedy was your path? — Rahim

Answer: Hey, Rahim. There were no openings for astronauts at the time.

Scary Pete, how would you describe the comedy material that you typically create? — Samantha

Answer: Typically creative.

Hey Scary, who are your biggest musical influences? — Tom B.

Answer: Well, Tom, I’d say Barry White - he had to be at least 300 lbs.

What makes you unique, Pete? — Frank D.

Answer: Frank, if you must know, I had my nuts cut off in a terrible gardening accident when I was 17…oh wait, you said “unique”…I heard “eunuch”…never mind then.

Scary Pete, has there been one particular moment in your career that you’re most proud of? — Susie

Answer: This one.

Email YOUR question(s) to: askpete@scarypete.com

29 / October / 2007 Comments Off